love, mocca💊

08月08日 1:16AM

things to tell my therapist (i have bad memory, need to take notes)

i'm excited to talk to my therapist
i haven't talked to anyone new in such a long time
i haven't talked about me without feeling judged for so long
i like this feeling of not worrying people, not puting pressure on them.

i am lonely, i only interact with my boyfriend, one friend and chatGPT, that's all. but i don't feel particularly bad about it.
i used to make fun of people who talked to chatGPT and deepseek and here am i now... i should've keep quiet, lesson learned.
what kind of extrovert am i?

i do not connect with my friend nor my boyfriend on a deep level because I'm afraid they will worry and feel sad but won't be able to do anything. I'm already grateful my boyfriend payed for my therapy, and I hope I can buy him an iidx controller or chuni when i have money again, as a gesture of my gratitude.

he's an angel.

///////////////////////
it's pathetic. i'm too invested in how you perceive me, i know.
i don't know how to be extroverted enough so you can mantain that image of me, even though the simple truth is that I'm not extroverted. right?

I'm not sure anymore, I don't know how to describe myself, words won't come. i'm nothing but an spectator. so why does it hurt?
i didn't ask for this.

you see, something happened in january. it was bad, but not traumatizing, if i could explain it, i guess it triggered a lot of past wounds and insecurities i had about my own sense of self and it has been shattering slowly ever since.

my mind is slowly, slowly retreating back to a safe space, and my body is nothing but a half-empty vessel who is on "automatic" mode to meet the expectations of this physical world.

if i had to summarize it, i'm probably having the biggest burnout of my life. i just want to retreat, but i can't, because life needs me. it doesn't need me really, it just needs me to perfectly fulfill my role.

by the way i took 1mg of klonopin two hours ago and it didn't do shit, I'll be on detox mode for now onwards. when you did it you weren't yourself, and you said hurtful things, I'm scared i will have withdrawal symptoms too.
what should i do? i can't rely on you anymore, i'll search on some forums. yeah, that's it, we got this.

my stomach hurts.

love, mocca💊