08月12日 - in thesis hell
update + venting
what should i say? i still can't write or express my feelings or whatever. therapist said it could be due to high cortisol levels (as usual) which affect the prefrontal cortex.
i had no idea what the prefrontal cortex was; it's a brain region in charge of cognitive functions (i think?) like speech and decision-making.
this means i'm sillier than ever, but not in a happy way, i'm just dumb.
also it seems like my neurotransmitters are fucked up and i have a lot of mental fatigue and dissociation issues, so yeah... there's a lot i need to work on.
about my thesis: i hate it, i want to get it done asap. i don't know what meaning does it have, or how is it going to help me or anyone else. i want to graduate soon, i would've preferred to do an internship, but they didn't give me the option. also my teacher loves ghosting me and replying at last minute. i kinda wanna die.
oh and the fact that i have to write this thesis in my THIRD language (not even english or my native language) also sucks but i was the one who decided to study abroad anyways so i have to deal with it. 没办法。
therapist noticed "my face lights up" (is that how you write it?) when i talk about japanese language and reading japanese (visual) novels, so she told me i should keep doing it.
of course i also want to, but i just don't have the time lately... maybe i'll write about さささぐ when i have more time. the vocabulary is easy and the story hits close to home.
also i should post about my sleep related problems but that's for another post. now i have to eat something and keep working on my thesis (god why did i choose this, when is it going to be over). i didn't consider my mental health when i decided to move abroad, but here we are (to be fair, i also didn't know things would change so much. but hey, that's life).
update: i forgot to mention i finished twin peaks s2! but i still won't be writing about it, because it requires a lot of brain power, which i don't have right now. that's it. good night!
love, mocca💊