0907
my blood is lazy, as lazy as i am, as lazy as you are, as lazy as my emotions feel.
everything spins slowly, the white of the ceiling has never been so clean, i remember when we ate ice creams in the park, did i kiss your forehead? i wish i did. i wish i did something before you got out the bus. i wish someone more competent was in control.
it has been a long time, since i realized there's no god, no parents, no partner that would save me. did i expect that from you? no.
i only wanted you to stay, to keep being my best friend forever. but i must know it's impossible.
death is so cruel, she always comes for the people that i love, but never comes for me. in the end i'm always left out.
it seems my skills are rusted, or the tool is not appropiate after all. maybe i'm just lazy. do you still drink hot chocolate when it's cold? does your dog give you comfort when no one else can? have you found what you're looking for?
i wish i was dead. dead makes grief and separation easier, because there's no way to come back.
i don't look for the signals anymore, i know they don't exist. i'll just keep waiting for your message. or for her to come for me. whatever happens first.
i no longer have it. it's dirty. like everything else. have you thought about what's the meaning of having a love that's not contaminated? is your altar broken? do you pretend to not hold a grudge in hopes it will make your self-image better?
do i delete everything hoping to make you search for me? or hoping that i won't be a burden for you anymore? all over me. like it always has been. left behind. there's nothing else. death is a logical conclusion. to clean my contaminated soul forever. i wish she will come for me soon.