whatever
i'm so done with useless things like this thesis.
how can it truly help me with anything? the topic is boring, i didn't even choose it. my supervisor doesn't care. it won't help me find a job after i graduate, or gain experience so when i graduate i can at least find something (because everyone expects you to somehow have years of experience when you just graduated but the only thing you did was a thesis that won't help you with anything at all), why am i even doing this? just to have a fucking cardboard that proves i graduated so i can get the hell out of here? there's no real merit. they won't publish it and no one is going to read it (and i'm glad no one will have to waste their time on it), so why am i even doing it in the first place?
i have a lot more important things to worry about, like my mental health, all the paperwork for the inheritance i have to do back in my country (because my parents and grandparents are all dead, lol!!) and of course all the grief and pain i haven't been able to process here. how am i supposed to focus on something so... abstract?
i don't want to be stuck here for another semester, i already feel lonely enough, i miss my loved ones, i miss not feeling like a failure, like a fucking mess. i wish my brain could just do what it's told even if it's abstract and there's no reward for it, instead of collapsing. but i can't.
and how come they let my supervisor give us online classes for a whole year because he was doing his master's degree in south korea, but i can't do my thesis from my country since i'm sick and on treatment? why? i should be going to therapy at least two times a week and changing my meds since these ones don't work anymore and i'm going bonkers, but here i am instead. what am i even doing with my life?
i don't want to be angry and frustrated anymore. i'm tired. i wish they let us do an internship and get over this whole fucking mess faster. now i'll have to try and get a job without getting deported like at least 50% of the international students here so i can pay for my expenses next semester, or else i'll be fucked.
what a wonderful student life. i love it.