ya no sé quién soy
i thought i would get better if i wrote more in different virtual and analog spaces, but in the end it's just another form of rumination.
i remember this feeling too well, i used to be like this back in 2020. i can see the worst parts of myself and name them now.
i'm obsessive, i can't stop thinking about everything, i'm overly self-concious, which i guess is also a form of narcissism. i think too much about myself, my own actions, and how they'll affect others to the point of breaking myself, i'm falling apart. i engage in self-harm, i stop communicating with people, i isolate myself in purpose. i have panic attacks every day. now i also have a lot of night terrors and i fluctuate between extreme dissociation and extreme anxiety attacks, between feeling persecuted and that something is watching me, to feeling that absolutely nothing is real (i much prefer the latter).
i think therapy is okay, i've been on it for one month already (i think?) but we're just addressing my issues with my thesis and making a functional routine for myself step by step in order to not overwhelm myself.
but we don't talk about you, i don't know if i ever will. i just want to talk to you again. i want to fix everything. how i wish you would have the same feelings for me. i'm sorry for being so selfish after everything that happened between us.
we also don't talk about my parents, about my issues, about my obssesive thoughts, about my coping mechanisms, about the memories i have and the memories that were erased.
we don't have enough time, to be honest i should be going to therapy at least 2 times a week and hang out with friends or other people at least once or twice a week to feel better, but instead i've been inside my room for more than one month already and there's no one here because everyone is back in their home countries for the summer holidays. i am completely alone. and i don't want to self-harm anymore. i don't want to worry my loved ones back in my country anymore. i have nothing but a screen. that's all i am.
is this really the best decision on the long-term? i know one month is probably nothing, but i haven't felt this awful in five years, and i certainly didn't want to feel like this ever again. i didn't miss this feeling.
so was this really the best decision? if it's the best for you then i should respect it. i just really wish we could've done things differently, or at least have a better goodbye, but break ups are never perfect. they always hurt. i just didn't think it would hurt this much with someone that is not my partner, nor someone dying.
i'm tired of losing people to death, i don't want to lose more people because of stupid fights and misunderstandings.
i'm not strong enough, in fact i'm really weak, i wish i could be seventeen again. i wish i had a purpose in life again. no one told me that being an adult i would feel so pathetic. i feel scammed. let me go back. i don't care anymore. i just want to feel good, i just want to feel peace at least. peace with myself.
i don't want to be gone, but i don't see other options.
i'm sorry.