dear diary
it has been a while.
i wish i could say i was too busy with uni to write, but that's not the whole truth, i wish i could say i was busy being productive and focusing on useful things, but that's not it... i've just been dissociating a lot these past few months, but i don't know if that makes me feel bad or not. i am okay with it most of the time... sometimes it's really scary, but i'm more afraid of "coming back" and feeling everything at once.
i've been in therapy working with my sense of self, i'm already coming to terms with the fact that //////////////////////, or maybe it's hiding, i'm still not sure. i'm unsure of everything related to my identity, even being a woman feels strange sometimes.
i can write and speak more now, i don't know what happened in august, but back then it was almos impossible for me to form a long sentence or socialize, i guess i'm alright now. at least i'm doing better.
i'm dissociating again and writing this has taken me about an hour, i think i'll leave it at that, i just wanted to record my experiences with my sense of self. my fragmented self.
sometimes i feel there's a mini-me that takes over when things get tough, but most of the time my coping mechanism is to stare into space and waste a lot of time being absent. sometimes it feels like i don't need my body to exist, like my body is not fit to contain me, and i am not fit to be a human being or to have a body. i wonder if that makes sense.
for now i just hope we'll be alright.
take care