humiliation ritual
it is happening again.
and even if i know it's probably not your intention, i feel left out anyway. i feel like it's unfair, i feel like i'm not enough for you again, like i never was, like even replying to me is not worth it. you know how my brain works already, and you said we were friends, you said that our bond was strong enough that months and months of no-contact still didn't break it, you liar.
you said that this time we would talk things through, that i am your friend. so why is this happening. why am i left all alone again, why do i have to come to a place where you or your loved ones will never find me and never judge me and my loved ones will never find either.
why do i have to go through all of this alone, why does it matter so much to me, i wish it didn't. i am so pathetic, it's so embarassing, so humiliating.
i wish someone could see this, and make me feel like i am not alone, i am so tired of being alone. so tired of grieving and rotting my insides until i break down and no one understands why. i am so tired. i wish you would care, i thought you cared, i thought your actions until now meant something, they didn't, i am so stupid, so so stupid i wish i would die.
i am exhausted. can't even talk physically, it's too overwhelming right now. everything is overwhelming but i gotta work tomorrow, life goes on, i have to pretend and i don't want to. why is it happening again?