hello
i've been trying to express my thoughts by any means possible, but it's never enough and it never leaves me satisfied. i don't enjoy writing on my physical diary anymore, it makes me feel frustrated, i don't know how to speak about what i'm thinking, my mind is null and void. i can't use neocities, because i still haven't learned HTML/CSS, so here we are for now. sorry for the weird grammar structure or sentences, i haven't slept in the past 24 hours and english is not my main language. even with my native language i have problems communicating. i just can't. not normal.
anyways, here we go. hello.
i had my first therapy session recently, my therapist gave me homework. i have homework. my homework is:
- name 10 things that i like to do
- name what i do NOT want to change about myself
both of them are difficult, and i've been having a hard time with the answers, especially for the second one.
let's try to answer the first one
- take cold showers
- play chunithm
- drink milk and cocoa
- the sea
- sleep
- my boyfriend
- watch twin peaks
- and that's where it ends for now
i tried asking my boyfriend about the second question, to himself, he couldn't answer either, it's so difficult. is there something i do not want to change about myself? maybe my curiosity. yeah, i think that's it. i'm a curious person when i'm not depressed. everything makes me curious. people also tend to say i have childlike wonder, but in this state i'm not sure anymore. that's something i like a lot. childlike wonder. even so, i want to change my curiosity, i don't want to be curious about specific people anymore, it hurts, i want to be curious about anything else that is not people. people change. you can't depend on people. i'm just curious about my boyfriend for now, he has an interesting brain. he's silly, cute, and smart. i love him.
what was i talking about?
oh yeah, i have to stop taking my benzos like it's candy, because it's not. i don't want to have a dependency on them, i've heard the withdrawals are quite awful and even i had an episode for a whole weekend once (months ago, a year ago, i don't remember), i felt genuinely scared for my life. so yeah, withdrawals and dependency are bad. no more benzos for some days. that's no good.
i also did something bad yesterday. but i realized it was bad, it didn't make me feel good like the old times. my old coping mechanisms are not working, i guess that's okay, they were really destructive anyways. so now i write. i write until i start feeling something again. my best friend told me he was going to draw a character i like for me, i can't wait.
let's try to be happy. let's try to live.
love💊 mocca💝💉
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update (10/08) i found more things i like to do and things i don't want to change about myself
- i like to drink smoothies, especially avocado smoothie
and what i don't want to change about me\
- my childlike wonder
- my curiosity
- my tastes (in music, media, etc)
- my sense of humor
i'm feeling warm in my chest right now, i found things i like about myself, it's really a nice feeling.